Oct 02, 2014
What to do???
Decisions need to be made. What to do, what to do? Colin is so busy working, everyday one or two new jobs come in. I have no idea how he does it as he goes from 7:00AM till 1:00AM or later each day. We seldom talk never mind see each other. This only serves to show me how difficult it must have been for him while I was away. I am going non stop everyday so I have no idea how he managed. We have so little time to talk, never mind make big decisions. In the end I know that he will say ” Contessa, whatever you want to do is fine with me”.
That leaves me to try and come up with a plan that is fair to both of us. I have the idea of continuing my 2 weeks here at home and 2 weeks with Dad in Edmonton until the end of November. By then I should have an idea if Dad’s condo is going to sell. The listing runs out end of December. I don’t plan to re list the condo until the spring if it does not sell. However if it does sell I need to be here, not to sign the papers ( that can be done from anywhere ) but more to empty the condo and have it cleaned for the new owners. Actually my sibs could do it if they wanted to ????@@@!####!!!!
Dad seems to be really settling in where he is and is happy with the staff and his space. Sadly the sibs are not going as often as I would like to visit and support him, but who am I to judge? They, as I do, only have one father so it is up to them to decide how they want to spend their last months with their father. Actually Dad is doing pretty good. Not sure if I mentioned before but he has cheated death many times over the years so who really can say how long he will be with us. I am beginning to think longer that what the doctors say! He has still not been put on the list for long term care but maybe that is not a bad thing as he is very content in his current surroundings. So do I push the doctor to sign the papers to put Dad on the list or do I just let nature take its course and see where this playing with meds, etc. will take us? I don’t like that it has been suggested that he decrease his fluids. He already is only allowed 1.5 litres and really if he wants to drink more so let him, after all his heart is failing and why make him suffer. Let him enjoy his remaining time as he wants. Heck if it was me I would be chugging the wine and eating pasta at every meal.
So what to do? I thought that perhaps we could think about heading south the end of November. Maybe go to Arizona or California. I found that the flights between Phoenix and Edmonton were cheaper than what I am paying between here and Edmonton. So I could still travel to Edmonton every two weeks if I chose to. However I really don’t want to drive in the snow and sub zero temps day after day. Not sure if remember how to do that. Heck I don’t even own any closed toe shoes never mind clothing to deal with Northern Edmonton winters. Tonight it is supposed to be -5C/23F in Edmonton and this is only October 2nd, I can’t imagine what November would be like. But I would do it if I had to. But do I need to? I moved away years ago and we have our own life. By the end of November I will have spent many hours with Dad. The first MD told me at the end of August that Dad only had 2 months left. By the end of November he will be at 3 months and deep in my heart I think he is good for at least another 3, if not more months.
When I suggested Arizona to Colin his only comment was why not Mazatlan? The Isla is only 2.5 days of driving south of the US border. In all honesty, the airfare is double what it would be out of Arizona or California but it is still doable. It is only money. It is not likely that I would have to travel back to Canada every month and needless to say I would keep on top of things on a daily basis. We do have obligations re our RV site on the Isla. The owner of the RV Park needs to know ASAP if we are coming or not as he could rent out our site as it is a prime site. We are allowed to take one year off for personal reasons and still have our site for the next season. So we could forgo the Isla and stay here in Canada all winter or in a boring inland RV Park somewhere in the US which we would not be happy with. Colin and I live for being on a beach somewhere, anywhere. I think we would shrivel up if stuck somewhere away from a water view. If we stay here we will have to hire someone to winterize our home, which we will likely have to do anyway if we stay to the end of November. Gosh I just can’t see us loading the RV in the cold or traveling south thru Ely Nevada then end of November!! I know the girls will be devastated by snow. I took them out in the golf cart today to pick up the mail at 5PM and it was 50F and they were shivering, well, so was I. That made me think of how cold it will be tonight in Edmonton, -5C/23F tonight as mentioned earlier. What to do?
Is it wrong to take 3.5 months on the Isla instead of 5 (plus travel to & fro )? When Dad dies I will be spending many many months dealing with his affairs, taxes and the estate. My job will just be beginning. I am so tired and don’t seem to be catching up thus far this week. So much to do here and I am still dealing with Dad’s affairs on a daily basis as I would on the Isla. I think I need a 4 month break. I am so torn. The thing is, I am giving so much right now and of course I will be later….don’t I deserve a break? Then I begin to think that I am being selfish.
Yes I know that I only have one father. He is proud and wants to have alone time to read his paper and to watch his sports on TV. When I am there every day, day after day he does not relax and is waiting for me to direct his time. I am surprised at how he seems to be adapting to his surroundings and enjoying his days and the staff. If it was the opposite you can be reassured that I would be there in an moment. As it is, I would have two more months to build a rappor with the staff and be assured of his happiness. On the other hand what if he gets transferred to long term care? Can’t the sibs handle it? Of course I can always fly in from where I am.
Dad has been telling everyone that I am leaving for Mexico mid October as per the usual. I have been telling him that Colin has so much work ( an exaggeration ) that we can’t leave until December 1st so the stage has been set. I really hate to have to have Colin give up his music that he derives so much pleasure from while in Mexico and to miss the Culiacan International Guitar Festival mid March. We also have to deal with stored items but I am sure my friends on the Isla would take care of payments for another year if need be. So many things to think about. I also have 2 new sets of RVers making their way to the Isla for the first time ever because of me and my blog as well as one couple and their dog staying at Carmelita’s for 5 months. It hurts to miss meeting these people and showing them all of what the Isla and Mazatlan have to offer them. At the same time I know that they would understand if we did not get there this season.
What to do?
What to do?
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It’s good to talk it out though and the solution will come. Times have changed, it’s very easy to move around the globe on a whim. OTOH, maybe Maz can wait this year. You’ve done a lot in the last few months.
Yes I have Chris, so maybe I need a break? What if Dad is here next year, then I will need even more energy? It is not just me deciding about the Isla. We are 4 and the vote right now is 3 without my input.
It’s interesting how happiness can affect how long a loved one can stay with us. When an elderly person is placed in a situation they are uncomfortable with some seem to just give up and pass. Others, who are happy with their surrounding, may live longer than the doctor’s predictions. You have mentioned how different doctors have different projections of how long your father has. If your father is happy with the staff and surroundings where he is he may very well be around for awhile longer than expected. All the best with your difficult decisions.
Barrie
As an only daughter to an ailing Mom and helping her die, my opinion is…If he is happy, getting good care and content where he is…say your goodbyes keeping in mind this might be your last goodbye and go to Mexico Dec. 1. Really, wouldn’t he want his children to be happy? You need to rebuild your strength for the long haul if he is still living when you get back. You can fly home if need be.
We drive our motorhome from MI in Jan. to FL and watch the weather very carefully. Some of our friends drive their motorhome down now and fly back. Then they take their car down in Dec. They hate driving in snow and the extra expense is worth it.
I wish you well making these hard decisions.
Yes, what to do! Your father is OK for now and likes his situation, your sibs are less than useful, and you and Colin are keeping up an unsustainable pace. It is impossible to plan for anyone’s future save your own. Whatever is to happen, will happen. You and Colin must recharge soon-and currently that means Mazatlan. Mid-October if it were my decision. From there, even as you are negotiating with the Canadian establishment caring for your father, you can find slivers of peace and hope as you look out the window. Tres Amigos and Mazatlan should be paying you for the free publicity you’ve given them over the years-so many RVers seem drawn there via your blog.
I vote GO-look back as needed, but GO.
Anything you do is going to feel like a heartbreak. BUT you need to make sure you take care of yourselves as you can’t help anyone if you break down. GO as normal! You can always fly back. Should Dad pass, everything else can wait tell you get home in the spring. Events like this are the hardest on our health and require personal attention to assure one stays healthy.
rocmoc n AZ/Mexico
My heart and soul knows exactly what your situation is right now. My mom passed September 7th after a ten week battle with kidney failure. I have two brothers who live out of the state who decided to let me carry the entire caretakers’ duty with mom’s care at home since daddy passed five years ago until moms’ passing. I felt abandoned by them and trapped because I couldn’t go off anywhere for even two days.
If you are a Christian, my advice would be to put your problems on Gods’ shoulders for a while, and ask Him to at least hold your hand in your decision making. Even if you aren’t a Christian know that I’ll being praying for you to have strength to get through all this, and prayers also will be offered up for your dad.
Do you have anything like hospice care which we have in the States? It’s the best thing I ever discovered after her first two weeks after finding out about her kidney failure, and I would highly recommend it to anyone. Unfortunately at 87 years old kidney dialysis wasn’t an option.
I haven’t regretted one minute of all the totally overwhelming and exhausting care I gave to mom before she passed, the many things I missed out on or the neglect I felt like I was causing my husband, daughter and grand-daughter. It sure was one of the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. I definitely felt the pull you are talking about. I was blessed to have a husband who ended up helping me through everything. He’d hold his tongue at times or simply walk away when I came home from a very bad day because it was so hard for both of us, yet he ended up standing by me every step of the way. My daughter and grand-daughter did, too.
Whichever decision you make will be accepted by your dad as he only wants you to go ahead with your life, he’s lived his and it’s good that he is in a good care place and is comfortable with it. I truly know how you feel……