Oct 19, 2017
A visit with Mommio
I can’t believe that I am writing this post so far past the date of Colin’s visit to see his Mom. I really need to take control of my life or of a certain machine in my life 😳 Colin spent three days visiting Mommio from Sept 9th – 11th. This was the first time he had seen her since April when he flew to her bedside as he was told that she was failing fast. Perhaps it was because of that visit that she regained her strength and is well enough to now live in a room in a care center.
In fact we both think that with home care visits she could continue living on her own. Nothing was found wrong with her physically but I won’t go into that again. So while Colin was visiting his Mom in hospital last April his other two brothers started emptying her apartment. Colin and I were both against this as no one knew if she could or could not go home again. However they decided that she had to be placed somewhere. Normally when an older person is moved into such a facility they are encouraged to bring a favorite chair, some paintings, a favorite desk or table and some what I call cutesies, like knickknacks, etc.
Colin was shocked to find her sitting in an uncomfortable chair and other than a few paintings she had nothing personal except the TV. Sadly her room overlooks a roof with air conditioners and ducting, no view. He was further dismayed to find her wearing pantyhose with 3 inch holes at both her knees. She also had stitches over one eye which was almost swollen shut. Apparently she had fallen but no one bothered to inform us. Colin was heartbroken.
The first thing he did was take her shopping. This is a super comfy chair and she loved it. She showed him how she could easily get up and down with little effort. The manager himself when he heard the story from Colin offered to deliver the chair that very day at the end of his shift in his own vehicle at no charge. Such a giving person.
Colin then took Mommio on a shopping spree. We had been told that she could not walk very far. Well she never stopped, she was like the Energizer Bunny. She kept walking around and around the largest mall in Winnipeg. She was so very happy to be out and seeing something other than the walls in her room and the TV. It turned out that none of her jewellery had been kept for her at all. She always dressed up each day. She only had the one old wig left. What happened to the others? What happened to the $200.00 plus of makeup that Colin had bought her last October? Even the $45.00 gripper he had purchased for her to be able to pick things up off the floor was missing and she used it a lot. Where are all these things? Thrown out? He bought her the hat, just for fun. She loves fun things and to laugh.
They ended up filling the rental car with things and only stopped shopping as they needed to get back to meet the fellow delivering the new chair. He bought this cart so she had a place to put things, he ended up going back the next morning on his own and getting a second one. The table in front of her was another purchase. So was the mug, she didn’t even have anything to drink out of. They also bought some wine which they shared while opening all the new purchases. Colin said that it was like a party and they had so much fun and never stopped laughing.
He bought her chocolates so she could have a treat, he bought her peanut butter and cutlery so she could have snacks. She tells us that her biggest treat is having a spoonful of peanut butter every night. I guess this is where he gets his love of peanut butter from 😀 She didn’t even have a mirror to use to put her face on every morning, he also bought her more makeup. Of course he bought her new pantyhose.
It wasn’t long before the baskets he had purchased were full of what to Mommio were treasures. Things like needle and thread, scissors, pens and paper, tape, a night light, a hammer, a second table for near her chair, a magnifying glass, a special standing makeup mirror and many other everyday items that brought her joy. She said she felt like she had been in prison and had been set free.
Here she is in her new soft chair with her new afghan. She was complaining about how cold she always was. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, red is her favorite color.
As you can see they had a blast. They were having so much fun that they decided to not go out for dinner. They had had a large late lunch at the Lobster House and were content to enjoy some wine and Baileys and nibble at all the snacks.
Colin also picked up two cork boards and did some collages of our photos, mostly the funny ones.
On the second night she asked him if he could please buy her a long nightie with sleeves. The one she had was above her knees and she felt naked and she was cold. She had no choice of clothing, shoes or anything at all in fact as to what to take with her. The only other thing she asked for was a sweater. Those decisions had been made for her. She wasn’t consulted about what she would get to keep or not. Her lovely bone china tea mugs are all gone as were the very special things she kept as mementos and memories. Colin has been given nothing to remember her by. All the photo albums we had given her over the years were also gone. We have discovered that everything has been disposed of, where to and to whom? She had so much lovely costume jewellery. Colin has spoken to her almost everyday since returning home and sometimes more than once. It took about a week for the sadness to set in as she realized that once again she was stuck in a room without a view. I could not stand the thought of her never getting outside again. So we came up with the plan to visit Mommio on her actual 103rd birthday. We are going to wine and dine her, drive her around the city and shop till she drops. Not to mention all the surprises I have been shopping for. Now you know why I have been trying to save money and come up with some steals and deals.
Oh a different note, we had to speak to a social worker to get permission to take Mommio out on her birthday. Both the POA’s, the two bothers had to give permission. Somehow Colin’s September visit had fallen through the cracks. Needless to say we were beyond upset to discover this for this coming visit. Fortunately permission was granted. We can legally and easily be denied permission to see Mommio ever again. It boggles the mind.
We love her so much that we would do anything for her and we are. If we still had a large home I would have her live with us in a flash. In fact I had offered to fly there and live with her for the first few months as she regained her strength so that she could continue to live in her home. Her spirit is broken but we are doing what we can to rebuild it. I fear for her over the depressing winter months. All we can do is call her often from Mexico. I am arranging for her to receive a card in the mail from us every two weeks while we are away. I have yet to start addressing those but I will get it done.
Can you believe this feisty lady is going to be 103 in eight days?
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Contessa, my heart goes out to you and Colin. God bless Colin’s Mom, and I pray everything changes for the better. Laws here in South Carolina are different from Canada for General Powers of Attorney. I worked in Law Departments for major corporations for 38 years and held and exercised a General Power of Attorney for my 91 year old Father until his death. Since Dad until his death was deemed to have mental capacity (he did not have physical capacity) to direct me as to his wishes, I was bound by law to honor those wishes and directives under the POA he gave me. The only way I could freely exercise what I thought appropriate was when he was temporarily incapacitated mentally because of surgery, medications, or illness, after which he regained his mental capacity and continued with the directives. If the POAs are abused by the holders (attorneys-in-fact), the person issuing the POA can immediately revoke it by sending the revocation by registered mail to the holder of the POA. The only way the holder of the POA can have the person issuing the POA declared mentally incapacitated is to appear in court and ask for a conservatorship of the person’s assets and ask that the holder of the POA be declared the conservator. It sounds to me that the holder of the POA has gone way beyond the bounds or authority of the POA. But then, again, this is South Carolina, not Canada. No doubt, a Canadian attorney in this field could tell you what the limits are to a Canadian POA.
The laws appear to be slightly different in each province, at least the three I have looked into. What is even sadder is that Mommio had no idea what this stranger, a lawyer she had never seen before, was asking her to sign. She was confused at the time. As I mentioned there was no witness in the room. Colin wanted to go in but the two brothers did not let him. In fact the one was yelling so loud that a nurse had to come and more him to another room as he was disturbing people. There apparently has been another incident yesterday by phone with said son which is causing havoc. We will check into all of this once we are there.
Contessa, POAs (in South Carolina) do not deny access of children to their parents if their parents want to see their children. What Colin’s brothers know is how easy the POA can be revoked; that can be the only reason they want to limit access. Staying one step ahead of this situation by having an attorney file with the court an injunction against any hastily created conservatorship would allow Mommio to retain her rights to make decisions along with the revocation of the POA. Hope she has a wonderful celebration.
Nice that you can and did spend some time with Mommio. I went through issues with family members as POA’s and stopping us and my family from visiting my mother, not a good feeling.
So sorry that you also have had to deal with this.
What a heartbreaking post. It boggles my mind that siblings could be so cruel.
Colin is a wonderful loving son that was able to rise above such cruelty.
I’m so glad you are both going there for her birthday. That birthday celebration will be worth all your planning Contessa.
Heartbreaking but fun to show how much she is loved by Colin. I am so looking forward to hugging her and making her smile.
So sad what family can do – as you know we are in the same situation with hubby’s mom although thankfully she no longer understands anything nor recognizes anyone so she doesn’t know what she is missing. The facility she is in is like a jail (mental health facility) designed for people who need additional mental health assistance but that means none of her friends can visit her. When hubby sees her he has to text his brother ahead of time so they know to let him into the facility. It REALLY PISSES US OFF. Hubby was supposed to be joint POA and all the documents had been set up that way – but his brother changed it without our knowledge with her right before she went into care (when she really wasn’t together enough to make that decision, he simply told her she had to sign the papers). We have decided to sue if necessary to ensure she gets the care/we get access. And when she dies we will also sue if we must as don’t trust his brother as far as you can throw him. This, a lector in a church.
I didn’t realize that your situation was so dire. I wish that we were in a position to sue. I just want her to have proper love and care. I will have to assess her next weekend and talk to the social worker again. Fortunately I know my way around the hospital system. As to when Mommio passes that will be the end of any communication with them. She has no money and is simply living on her pension cheques.
Unfortunately, there is an estate involved….that is likely why the issues. We will also have no contact (except to settle the estate) when she passes, which both of us hope is sooner rather than later due to her crappy state of life. So very sad
So very sad what a couple of brothers and a social worker can muster up. This story is a sad, and heartbreaking one in the fact that this wonderful, clearly happy lady when Colin is around, is being forced as a shut in. Why I am not surprised is the fact those brothers and social worker attitudes actually extend across that border into North Dakota too. AMAZING. SIMPLY AMAZING. Hopefully, Colin took photos of the room before. Also, perhaps she would be much more happier over in your part of the world even if you left for the winter because it’s a given you all would make sure she was in a happy place. Happiness brings long life, and for people to try to cut another’s life short for their own purposes is wrong. Too bad those brothers could not be forced to live just 24 hours in her shoes. They’d perhaps think twice. God Bless Colin and You for caring. Colin’s mom is a REAL DOLL!!!!!
If we could get her here we would and we would be happy to stay here for the winter to be with her. Sadly they would not allow us to mover her but then you never know. Things will be looked into
THIS CAN BE SO TYPICAL THAT THOSE WHO ARE THE CLOSEST TAKE OVER. EVERYTHING THEY DID WAS FOR THEIR CONVENIENCE AND HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH SURROUNDING YOUR MUM WITH THINGS WHICH MAKE HER HAPPY. I’M REALLY SURPRISED THAT THE FACILITY DID NOT EXPLAIN THAT PERSONAL ITEMS CAN AND SHOULD BE BROUGHT INTO THE ROOM. SHAME ON THEM BUT MAYBE THEY TOLD THEM AND THE SIBLINGS IGNORED THEM. THANKFULLY COLIN WAS ABLE TO PURCHASE SOME MUCH MORE PERSONAL ITEMS FOR HIS MUM AND NOW YOU WILL BE ARRIVING BEARING GIFTS, WHICH SHE WILL ENJOY ALONG WITH YOUR COMPANY. I TRUST YOUR MUM’S NAME IS ON HER THINGS WITH A PERMANENT MARKER OR THEY MAY DISAPPEAR. WHO DOES YOUR MUM WANT TO HAVE IN CHARGE OF HER LIFE?? CHANGES CAN BE MADE TO THOSE PAPERS. I KNOW SHE WILL HAVE A WONDERFUL 103RD BIRTHDAY AS WELL AS AN EARLY CHRISTMAS CELEBRATION. TAKE LOTS OF PHOTOS FOR HER BOARDS. SUCH LOVE COMING HER WAY. SHE WON’T KNOW WHAT HIT HER!!! YIPPEE.
Yes things can be changed but it is a huge battle. In our case we are up against a silent wall. Mommio wants to be in control of her own life. She is very intelligent and just needs some assistance as she is elderly. I had a long talk with the social worker about her being able to live on her own with daily assistance. Shockingly the answer was that Home Care is not reliable in Manitoba.
What an amazing son Colin is. Momio is lucky to have you as a daughter in law. I was the one that handled all my mumsie’s affairs after she died. No hassels, no arguments. We are lucky that we are still close. In fact my older brother called me yesterday from Ontario and knows my anxiety level is very high with this big move and said I should call him anytime I need him.
Have a wonderful visit and party. Happy Birthday Momio from me.
Cheers
You Shelagh are one of the very few ‘good’ stories that I have heard. You are very fortunate.
What a sad situation. It looks like Colin intervened just in time. In other cultures the elderly are revered and respected. We tend to just discards them. It is so cruel. We wish Mommio a happy 103rd birthday!
Thank you Peter. We see how the Mexican extended families work in Mexico. Our RV park owner drops everything if his parents need him.
Wow Contessa, how heartbreaking! Good for you and Colin for making the extra special effort, we sure hope Mommio has an awesome 103rd birthday 🙂
I know she will, stay tuned for photos.
Bless Mommio’s heart and your
s and Colin’s too. Oh my. Is this what many of us have waiting for us? Dear Lord I hope not. I pray you all have a wonderful celebration on her 103rd (!!!) and many more. I have no words, really, on how this moved me. You are all such wonderful people. Bless you. XO
Thank you. Sadly I do believe this could be the future for some. I have told friends with children to be sure to document their desires. One always thinks that this will never ever happen to them. I watched my poo father suffer as his children neglected him.
She looks so much happier now. She has a great son and DIL! Wish we could have met her when we were in Canada. Your posts help us to know her.
What a lovely thing to say Chris.
This treatment of the elderly is sadly more typical than we can imagine. Basically the same thing happened to my sister who had three out of her five children gang up on her and talk her into moving into a care facility. It is so sad to have to watch. I really feel for Colin and understand his frustration!
Thanks for understanding and for your support. I feel sorry for your sister.
She is so lucky to have you both looking out for her. What a beautiful MIL you have! Love her spirit!!!!!!!
She is feisty that is for sure. Likely what has kept her going all these years. Thank you.
Colin is a Good Son. You are also a good DIL. You are doing all you can for her, and we hope she can enjoy your coming visit.
On another note, today is the first time I have been able to easily access your blog since last spring. There must be some sort of Gremlin between you and us ??????
What a wonderful son! and DIL.
She seems to be of sound mind…..could she not see an attorney for new paperwork/ POA
??
Happy Birthday Mommio, wishing you ice cream and cake to celebrate with Colin and Contessa. I love the hat and Mommio should wear it often as it is very becoming. About the other stuff as to her treatment so very sad – one day those two sons will be older or old and hopefully fully understand what they have done to their mother. Shame on them.
Thank you my friend. Colin keeps saying that wait until the day they find themselves in a home alone and miserable. He hopes that they will suffer.
I just caught up on your latest blog…I can’t believe what happened to darling mommio…..yayyyy for you and Colin….dear sweet soul to live this long and then seems like she was just pushed aside and all her stuff gone….(I don’t mean by you or colin I mean the rest of the family) also sounds like they have power of personal care on her if they can make the decisions as to who takes her out and when…
Your blog brought me to tears…bless her heart….I now she will have a wonderful birthday with you both…I will be watching for updates…
xoxoxox
take care
E
Thanks Elaine for your constant support. I know that you have had your share of similar family issues over the years.
Colin’s brothers should be placed on an ice floe and pushed out to ses. Thank goodness she has the two of you.
🙂